I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
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“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My brain is a bad influence on me
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?