[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
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what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no