After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
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Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
everyone has that one prude friend
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though