The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
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please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Just me and my debit card against the world
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny