[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
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[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My first son he is wonderful
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
look at me when i’m typing to you
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
i really liked this one
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.