[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
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date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
🤣
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My life in a nutshell
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*