I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
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Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.