Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
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That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*