Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
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A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.