Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
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“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
inside you are two wolves