Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
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Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.