Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Rare photo of two submarines racing
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges