I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
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Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Breaking news:
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”