Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
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Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.