2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
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Grandmother clock.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
fr
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.