INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
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All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Pringles
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.