*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee