Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
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waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
same bro
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
why would tinder want me to say this
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023