Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
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Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed