My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
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Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
still the best tweet of the year by far
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
hey, alexa
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Not all heroes wear capes…
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.