Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
You Might Also Like
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.