MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.