A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
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me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works