My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
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Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.