My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
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“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
#Caturday
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.