me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
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[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
i prefer mine room temperature.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm