my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
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Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars