I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
an octopus is just a wet spider
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.