I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed
MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me: You win this round.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?