Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.