I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
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Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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(yawn)
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Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
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