it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
You Might Also Like
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.