Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
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Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
haha same
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad