Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
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I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.