COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
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#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.