I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
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Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Guantanamo Bae
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.