Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Traveler’s camo