When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
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Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors