*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
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aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
technically true but not a great slogan
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.