something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
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I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent