I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
🌱🌱🌱
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single