Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
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News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.