Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
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Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
CRYING
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters