Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
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wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking