I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”