when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
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aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
set yourself free xox
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?