I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
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If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
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idk flipping houses looks really hard
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.