Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
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i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.