OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
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Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
no cat here
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Oh hi lol
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.