Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
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Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Not all heroes wear capes…
lmfao
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
reminder
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.