“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
You Might Also Like
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice