Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
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He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”