Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.