These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
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Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me